So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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