Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
