fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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