Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
