Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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