I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
