Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
