why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
