So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
