If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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