Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
