it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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