The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
