I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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