He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
