On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
