My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
