my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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