I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
