Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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