Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
