jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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