Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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