Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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