I can text with my tongue
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
