I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
