Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
