Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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