life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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