I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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