Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can I color on your dick again?
When did angry sex become our thing?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
