You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
