Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
