so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
