an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
