you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
