come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
