I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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