can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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