We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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