I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
zippers are such a cool invention
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
