you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
