Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
