My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How's work?
Spinning.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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