Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
