I looked at my own cervix.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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