if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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