I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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