Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
