I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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