Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
