I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
