Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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