I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
