; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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